Recall -- All Makes, All Models

Canadian government health and safety officials have ordered all automotive brands formerly and currently selling in Canada to recall every past and current model for immediate, mandatory safety upgrades to comply with newly-passed legislation, Bill 119.

The bill, which passed unanimously on 30 August, outlines mandatory safety equipment (MSE) to be fitted to every motorized vehicle in Canada. Examples of MSE include foam paneling around the perimeter of the vehicle, reflective tape on all four corners, and bumperettes fitted to the front and rear of every vehicle. Other high-visibility peripherals will be affixed the length of the vehicle at least every meter (1000 mm).

This new legislation was catalyzed by the horrific death of a Mississauga resident, 21 year old Patrick Ho, after he failed to see a pickup truck traveling north on Hurontario Road in the plain light of day. Excessive speed is not believed to be a factor.

"Clearly, vehicles are not as visible and pedestrian-safe as possible. [Bill 119] aims to change that," says a government spokesperson. "MSE packages will reduce car-related deaths by a full 10%."

The bill goes on to require MSE devices be fitted to any vehicle using Canadian roads, including visiting vehicles from the US. Owners of horribly pedestrian-unfriendly vehicles, such as full-size SUVs, will be fined $1000 daily until they have their vehicle sold for scrap and buy a Prius.

Already the bill is being praised by the Canadian Automotive Association, the Insurance Bureau of Canada, and the Canadian Medical Association, though the CMA says they will not be satisfied until every vehicle is removed from the road, as traffic accidents are the number one cause of traffic-related fatalities in Canada.

Currently before the house is Bill 120, requiring high-visibility tape be applied to all commercial airliners entering and exiting Canada, and ear protection be worn at all times by residents living within 15km of an international airport.

Nazi Dominatrix Caught Having Mosley Sex Orgy

Investigative reporters on the Eighth Gear news team have uncovered possibly the largest Nazi-related sex scandal of the season.

Brunhilda von Kourtescheim, a respected actress and Nazi dominatrix of Berlin's efficient Burlesque District, on Saturday engaged in a sexual act so vile it has no doubt caused irreversible psychological damage all the individuals involved. Andrew "Hans" Innocenti of the Eighth Gear news team infiltrated a ring of male prostitutes hired by von Kourtescheim to role play in her decadent fantasy.

"I found myself in a basement apartment with three other men," recalls Innocenti. "When [von Kourtescheim] entered the 'office,' as she called it, she handed each of us a Max Mosley mask and told us to put them on."

Max Mosley, the current president of the FIA, has been the subject of a number of twisted sexual plots in recent months, but none anywhere near as large scale as the one devised by von Kourtescheim. Over an hour and a half of hidden camera footage shows the group of Mosleys kneeling in front of von Kourtescheim and pretending to extort large sums of money from her. She would derive great pleasure whenever a Mosley told her she was risking "losing her franchise" unless she agreed to outrageous financial demands and forced to sign various mock contracts. Every time a mock contract was signed, she would give the successful Mosley a one-hundred euro banknote. Video suggests over three thousand Euro was spend in the course of an hour.

"If we didn't keep up the Mosley charade, we wouldn't get paid. I have done some awful, terrible, embarrassing things for money, but never anything this shameful," says one male participant who asked to remain nameless. His insistence on his anonymity is out of fear "my clientele may stop paying to have sex with me out of disgust. I have seen it happen, where word gets out [a gigolo] has role-played Mosley -- we call it 'pulling a Mosley' -- and he no longer has any customers. Desperation gets the better of some people, you know."

Unexpectedly, role-playing Bernie Ecclestone, CEO of Formula One racing, is among the most frequent requests to both male and female sex traders.

Man Claims Cougar-Based R8 Replica "Sounded Like A Good Idea While I Was Drunk."

Alcohol: Liquid bread, liquid courage, liquid bad idea conjurer? The lubricant of social intercourse (et al.) though it may be, sometimes the fermented sugar-based beverages are better left untapped.

Alcohol, there is no denying, has played a major role in human history -- both good and bad. In a gut-wrenching example of the latter, tequila is believe to be a major factor in this most unholy abomination, an Audi R8 replica based on a 2001 Mercury Cougar. Alberto Gavach Fuertes of Spain is flirting with a possible lawsuit from Audi AG after a night of drunken lasciviousness with a welding torch and a Cougar placed him in a tight spot come morning.

"I'd already reshaped the hood and cut out room for the characteristic side blades when I came to the next morning. My friends warned me about Cougars, too," explains Fuertes. "[They] said it'll make me do strange things. I didn't have much of a choice. I couldn't drive the car as it was, so I finished the project and showed up to work after the afternoon siesta."

This is not the first example of Latino inebriation mixed with ruthless automotive fabrication skill resulting in horrible automotive consequences. The DeTomaso Pantera, while officially Italian, was drawn and roughly prototyped -- American V8 and all -- one Thursday night in Argentina in the late 1960s using only beer bottle caps and a protractor.

While the ReplicaAudiR8, as the Cougar is known, is a very convincing attempt at an Audi R8 replica, automotive enthusiasts everywhere are calling for it to be set alight, allowing holy cleansing flames to rid the world of its filth.

"I tried to make the best of a bad situation. It's a very good replica, you cannot deny. I'm setting a very high bar with this one." Yes, Fuertes. Agreed. Of the aspiring rulers of Turd Mountain, you are, indeed, king.

A less thorough article on the same subject: http://www.worldcarfans.com/108112415088/creepy-audi-r8-replica-built-from-mercury-cougar

LEGOLAND Believed To Be After Top Gear Presenters' Souls

A frightening, but not unfounded, rumor circulating the blogosphere says cult-prone employees of LEGOLAND are trying to steal the souls of the presenters of BBC's wildly famous automotive program, Top Gear.

By creating miniature representations of Top Gear's Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond, James May, and The Stig, standing around a miniature Caterham R500, designers working on LEGOLAND's MINILAND hope, through Voo Doo-esque techniques, they can imbue the miniatures with the souls of the BBC presenters. The goal is to make MINILAND as realistic as possible, though critics already point out only in MINILAND is Hammond as tall as 6' 4" Clarkson.

LEGOLAND chief model maker Guy Bagley says, "My colleague remembered that the Stig had put the R500 through its paces and how incredible it was on the track. It's such a timeless and iconic car that it was a ‘no-brainer' as our choice for the motorsport area, having already decided to feature Top Gear. Its design lends itself particularly well to our bricks, too. [Also, we want their souls. Especially His Stigness's.]"

The R500 featured on Top Gear has been placed in a tin foil- and garlic-lined garage in a secret location in the English countryside to prevent the theft of its Racing Spirit. Further measures: A pentagram drawn in goat's blood with black candles lit at all five corners lining the garage floor is believed to also protect the R500 from harm. Experts in such matters speculate a pair of goat's testicles may be adorning the rear-view mirror.

Link to an obviously mistaken news site: http://www.worldcarfans.com/109082621296/caterham-r500-immortalized-in-lego

Speculation Arises Regarding Legitimacy of Brawn GP Success

An Eighth Gear Exclusive

2009 start-up Brawn GP, successor to defunct Honda F1 Racing Team, which was bought in March by former Honda F1 technical director Ross Brawn, is a Formula One powerhouse. Currently standing first in the Constructor Standings, with driver Jenson Button (Brit.) first in Driver Standings and teammate Rubens Barrichello (Braz.) in second, the success of the team is unrivaled for 2009.

Some attribute the success of the British F1 team to the gifted engineering team headed by Brawn, and to talented drivers Button and Barrichello. Others say it is the work of God Himself. However, speculation has arisen, calling to question the legitimacy of Brawn GP's success.

Shocking new evidence suggests Brawn may have links to a known London-based terrorist organization, headed by a man identified only as the letter "V." This group is responsible for a number of highly-publicized bombings, most notably the Old Bailey in central London and the Houses of Parliament, as well as the attempted bombing of the headquarters of the state-owned British Television Network (BTN).

Secured through confidential sources, photographic evidence clearly shows Guy Fawkes-masked V posing with Formula One drivers at the ING Australian Grand Prix. Brawn GP scored an incredible 1-2 finish in the first race of 2009. Button led from the start, with teammate Barrichello securing second place with three laps remaining; competitors Sebastian Vettel (Red Bull) and Robert Kubica (BMW Sauber) had been battling for second until a crash retired both drivers.

"Radio communication began to cut in and out. Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture began to blare over our headsets. The explosive percussion must have broken [Vettel's] concentration. " Said a Red Bull pit crew member who asked to remain nameless.

"V is very cunning and ruthlessly thorough," says Det. Eric Finch of Scotland Yard. "That incident with Felipe Massa at the Hungarian Grand Prix, where [a suspension component] of Barrichello's Brawn came loose and struck him in the head... as of now, this is just speculation, but we suspect V may be involved."

An official spokesman of the FIA says a thorough investigation into possible terrorist ties and cheating will be launched, as soon as investigation of the homicide of FIA president Max Mosley has concluded. Mosley was found dead in his penthouse suite bathroom last Friday, in a puddle of his own vomit.